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Newsgroups: rec.humor From: tozourp@guvax.acc.georgetown.edu Subject: Canonical list of Condom Jokes Message-ID: <1993Mar19.153629.2873@guvax.acc.georgetown.edu> Date: 19 Mar 93 15:36:29 -0500 Organization: Georgetown University Lines: 395 Here it is, at long last. The canonical list of condom jokes. Perhaps it is fitting (ha!) that this list is rather SHORT. If you have any you'd like to add, Email them to me. No used condom jokes, please. Do you know how to reuse a condom? Turn it inside out and wash the fuck out of it. What do you call 5 condoms playing metal? A rubber band................. [ Editor's note: AAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!! ] Why did the condom cross the road? Because it was pissed off. What do a gay and a bungee jumper have in common? If the rubber breaks they're both in the shit. This isn't a condom joke per se, but it's kinda funny anyway. ____________________________________________________________________ TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY 6969 Slippery Root Drive Drop Trouser, Sydney 2120. Dear Mr. Shlypdych, We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS. Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feel that your wearing of our product in advertisements does not portray a positive romantic image for our product. A loose, baggy and wrinkled condom is not considered romantic. We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using poly-grip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note however that yours is the first we have seen that looked like a bicycle grip. We appreciate your interest and would like to thank you for your time. We will retain your application for possible future consideration. If by chance we decide there is a market for mini-condoms we will call you. We send greetings and sympathy for your lady. Sincerely, Dick Burly, President TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC. P.S. Remember our slogans: Cover your stump before you hump! Don't be silly, protect your willie! Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker! Before you attack her, wrap your whacker! If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it! ---------------------------------------------------------------- CONDOMS DEMYSTIFIED There are basically three kinds of condoms: unlubricated latex, lubricated latex, and lambskin. The lambskins are no good be- cause they haven't been proven to be a barrier to infection. Anyway, they're really made of lambies and that makes us sad, especially around Easter time. (The real reason we don't like them is that they actually smell like lamb. One is tempted to lubricate them with mint jelly.) There are variations on the basic latex condoms. Some condoms are prelubricated, with spermicidal jelly, even. Others are not. Strictly B.Y.O.K.Y. The strangest variation by far is the ribbed latex condom. Why are these condoms ribbed? This is supposed to be stimulating? Should one attempt to play washboard tunes on it? This is just part of a big problem with condoms. Condoms were, and are, de- signed by men. If Girls Designed Condoms ... What a wonderful world it would be. Skip the ribbing, skip the lube. If women designed condoms there is no question that they would be padded. "But size doesn't matter!" comes a chorus of voices. (The loud- est voices come from boys who are peeking. Stop that right now. Turn to the sports page immediately.) Sure *length* doesn't matter. But give any girl a small dose of truth serum and ask her about width. Admit it. If padded condoms were placed on the market, hordes of screaming women would storm their local druggists and dash out with tote bags full. Unfortunately, it wouldn't work. After all, there is that ticklish issue of boy sensitivity, which we can't overlook, even if we occasionally want to. Padded condoms would rob boys of the skin-to-skin sensation they already claim condoms rob them of, and we can't have that. No, modern women, being kind and sensitive lovers, would design whisper-soft condoms, completely transparent and micro- scopically thin. The paisley, rainbow, and floral-print condoms we designed would be strictly novelty items, kept for special occasions only. Ditto the condoms with cute sayings: "Hang in there, baby, Friday's coming"; "My girlfriend went to Florida and all I got was this lousy condom"; and the classic "I'm with stupid" (arrow pointing back toward the boy). Other specialty items would include the male-ego condom, which, like black olives, come in three sizes: jumbo, colossal, and humongous. Naughty subversives would enjoy the Karen Finley assortment, colorful, decorative condoms that turn ordinary penises into bananas, hotdogs, yams, and more. But I digress. The best place to buy condoms is your local massive drugstore that has them on display, self-serve, just like corn pads or athlete's foot spray. So go shopping. Dress cool, hold your head high, read labels, make your selection. Be assured that most popular brands come with little instruction booklets much like the ones found in boxes of Tampax (uh oh -- don't mix them up!). While at the drugstore, be sure to purchase at least one of the following items: Tickle antiperspirant, Ban Roll-on, or any of the Calvin Klein line of men's grooming aids. You'll need these for impor- tant condom experiments at home. At home, be alone. Light candles. Play inspiring music; any record by Rick James will do. Remove one of the condoms from its packet. Examine it carefully. Then put it to work. Experiment with your slippery new friends; whip those sons-of-gummi-worms into shape. Recruit those deodorant bottles and practice, prac- tice, practice. And how about some new nicknames for the old standbys? Love skins. Slicks. Wet suits. Silk stockings. Eight-by-two glossies. Soon enough, you'll be happy and relaxed, perfectly in control of those silly little slips o' sin. But wait. Something's missing. Oh yes, the hard part. I mean the good part. I mean, both. The Condomed Man It is far, far easier to start them on condoms when the relation- ship is young. In fact, the condom is a terrific tool of seduc- tion when you're ready to make the leap between the sheets. Call that someone on the phone and say to him, casual-like, "I just bought a new kind of condom and I'm dying to try it out...want to come over?" Or when out on the town with your paramour, and the clock on the clubhouse wall says thump thump thump, push that hunk against the wall and growl, "Listen, buddy. I've got a condom in my pocket and I'm not afraid to use it. We're going home." Welcome To The Safety Patrol Before you know it, you'll be a veritable connoisseur of condoms. You'll allow them to drop casually out of your purse in front of attractive men at cocktail parties. You'll dispense them to friends, give lessons, perhaps even roll your own. "Oh, handsome boyfriend," you'll soon sigh, "I've always wanted to see you in rubber." And he won't mind one bit. [ Editor's note: yeah, RIGHT! ] The following is especially for those of you who doesn't believe in using a "CONDOM". If you think it is offending, well, don't think it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK 1. Cover your stump before you hump 2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker 3. Don't be silly, protect your willy 4. When in doubt, shroud your spout 5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner 6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong 7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it 8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey 9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize 10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter 11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick 12. If you go into heat, package your meat 13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis 14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse 15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member 16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker 17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool 18. The right selection will protect your erection 19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil 20. A crank with armor will never harm her 21. No glove, no love! [ EDITOR'S NOTE: The rest of this post has nothing to do with condoms. Well, at least not directly. But it's funny, so I thought I'd post it anyway. My apologies if you've seen it before. ] ====================== THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX ====================== ---------------------------------------------------------------- ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ---------------------------------------------------------------- REMOVING CLOTHES: ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE: With partner's consent.....12 Shoes flew off...............35 Without partner's consent.187 Expression didn't change....1/2 Orchestra swelled.............6 UNHOOKING BRA: Birds sang Using two calm hands........7 Large birds..................7 Using one trembling hand...36 Small birds..................3 Earth moved..................30 Lifting partner............15 PULLING OUT: Dragging partner on floor..16 After orgasm................1/2 Using skateboard............3 A few moments before orgasm.500 ACHIEVING ERECTIONS: PENIS ENVY: For normal healthy man....2.5 For woman.....................3 Losing erection............14 For men......................72 Searching for it..........115 GUILT: PUTTING ON CONDOM: Despite no formal training, With erection.............1.5 orgasm comes easily..........53 Without erection..........300 You're enjoying sex,despite the fact that other people are INSERTING DIAPHRAGM: starving......................2 If the woman who does it is Sex on your lunch hour........3 Experienced.................6 Putting it on expense account.. Inexperienced..............73 20 If a man does it..........680 AGGRAVATION: Add (5) calories for retrieving Partner keeps showing plants..5 it from across the room. Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay..........14 ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY: Partner visiting bathroom for Italian- Man on top,woman in 7th time.....................10 kitchen....................26 Partner taking phone calls....7 Russian- Woman on bottom, Partner making phone calls...40 Man getting permission.....55 American- Both on top......60 GETTING CAUGHT: By partner's spouse..........60 SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE: By your spouse..............100 Bouncing....................7 Trying to explain............55 Sliding around..............9 Trying to remain calm.......100 Serious skidding...........12 Leaping out of bed...........75 Whiplash...................27 Getting dressed in one motion 500 Thanking partner quickly......2 ORGASM: Real.......................27 Faked.....................160 THE OFFICIAL SEX QUIZ Study each question carefully. Then choose the answer that seems more correct, True or False. 1. A clitoris is a type of flower. 2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. 3. "Spread-eagle" is an extinct bird. 4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart trouble. 5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. 6. A g-string is part of a violin. 7. Semen is another word for "sailors." 8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly." 9. Testicles are found on an octopus. 10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. 11. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. 12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. 13. Coitus is a musical instrument. 14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke." 15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. 16. A condom is an apartment complex. 17. An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in church. 18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. 19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickles. 20. An erection is when Japanese vote for their new government officials. 21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. 22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. 23. Pornography is the business of making record albums. 24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. 25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve." 26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. 27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. 28. Scrotum is a small planet near Uranus. 29. A vulva is an automobile from Sweden. 30. A Fallopian Tube is a part of a television set. 31. Fellatio refers to an Italian dagger. 32. Cunnilingus refers to someone who can speak foreign languages. 33. Phallus was a city on the Nile. 34. VD is an American holiday celebrated on November 11. 35. Herpes was a Greek god. 36. A homosexual is a technician who purifies milk. 37. The ben-wa ball is held every year in Tokyo on June 1. TOP SEVEN DUMB THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR DICK: 7> Use it to discipline your pitbull. 6> Check that the electric pencil sharpener is working. 5> Use it to pry jammed toast out of the toaster. 4> Get a blow job from a cannibal. 3> Substitute it for a golf tee. 2> Use it to teach a woman to drive a five speed. and number one: (drum role please.....) 1> Screw the 15 year old daughter of a redneck Texan gun salesman! 21 REASONS CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN 1. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter. 2. A cucumber won't need to be sucked off. 3. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. 4. A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy. 5. A cucumber won't want to come on your face. 6. A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon. 7. A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow. 8. A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot. 9. You won't find out that a cucumber is: married on penicillin trying to screw your sister. 10. A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're asleep. 11. A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer. 12. A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 13. All cucumbers are fresh and juicy. 14. You can keep as many cucumbers as you want. 15. Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your house. 16. Cucumbers don't jam the freezer with food you don't like. 17. Cucumbers don't stay up until 4 and then demand that you take care of them when they get sick. 18. But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME. 19. Cucumbers don't mind if you enjoy them and a movie at the same time. 20. Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind of cucumber. 21. The cucumbers you raise don't desert you.